That Smarts

Hey, you folks ever done this:
    I woke up with a stiff back after moving heavy things the day before—probably due to not stretching enough or being old now. I dragged the tube of Rub5-eh5 (whatever) from the toiletries cabinet and massaged it into my lower back. The burning tingles began almost immediately and relief was in sight.
    We began to run around getting dressed and breakfast and such and the burning tingling was doing wonders as I was much less cramped. I dashed the kids off to school and trotted over to the coffee shop to let the relaxing begin. Small talk with my droogies while lined up at the counter and pleasantries abound. Halfway through my tea, the burning tingling sensation began anew. Rather anew—as in a new location. It seemed to singe its way down past my tailbone and collect in the crack. Ow. Hey, this isn't right. Ow. Hey, I'm a tad uncomfortable. Ow. Maybe I need to walk around a bit. OW! HEY! Make it stop! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
    I calmly assembled my things and buzzed home to douse my flames. Man! Honestly, never apply burning creams when you're in a hurry.